Less Cross, More Dreaming

I'm going to say something that, to readers of this blog, may come as a shock.  If given the opportunity to change into a woman, I wouldn't do it.

"Who do you think you're fooling?"

I'm not going to enumerate all the things that would suck about being a woman.  I'm sure there's plenty of things that would be great about it, too.  But, it's just always tempting to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

Also, the girls are hotter. 

I've noticed that discussions of crossdreaming tend to focus a lot on the "cross" and not so much on the "dreaming."  That's interesting to me, because I find that my dreams about being a woman have much less impact on my life, than my habit of retreating to an imaginary world in the first place. I daydream all the time, and not only about being a woman.  Once I'm done masturbating, I usually put my femenization fantasies away, and drag out a different daydream.  For example, having an airship.

This airship is mine.  You get your own.

Most crossdreamer or TG narratives begin with either, "I knew as a child that I was different," or the exact opposite, "I was pretty much normal as a child."  I didn't have any gender confusion as a child, but I definitely knew from an early age that I wasn't like other kids.  I was a dreamer, and most of them weren't.

In elementary school, "playing" meant wandering around the school yard in small packs pretending to be characters from our favorite cartoons.  We'd have hit-and-run shoving matches with other packs of kids, who we pretended were the enemies of our characters.

I could do Soundwave's voice like you don't even know.  They should have got me to be in those movies, except fuck them, because those movies sucked.

Sometime around 5th grade, though, that all went out the window.  Recess was no longer about playing, and became about sports. 

Relevant Image.

I never took an interest in sports.  I wasn't smaller, or weaker, or slower than the other kids in my class, but for some reason, I could never quite wrap my mind around sports.  Something about the overly-structured nature of it, the small window of what you were supposed to do and when you were supposed to do it, seemed detestable to me.  This wasn't "recess" in any meaning of the word.  To me, it just seemed like a continuation of what we did all day in class.  It was no more fun than math or spelling. So I learned where the ball was least-likely to be, and that's where I stayed: off in my own dream world, only "playing" in the sense that I was technically on the field.

That was when it became apparent to other kids that I was different, although I knew even sooner.  When I was 6 or 7 years old, I can remember helping my dad with some sort of outdoor project; something involving wood and dirt and hand-tools.  I assessed what he was trying to accomplish, and came to the conclusion:  what we need is a helicopter.

We could get some shit done around here if we had a helicopter.

But, I learned that we didn't have a helicopter, nor would we ever.  We had wood and dirt and hand-tools.  Where other little boys would probably have a grand time playing with wood and dirt and hand-tools, I just kind of sulked.  My feeling was, "that's the best we can do?"

I felt disappointed.  Not in my dad, but in reality.  We all face that challenge, as kids, of separating what's real from what's make-believe.  We all learn to stop believing in imaginary things like Santa Claus, ghosts, and democracy.  Most kids just get over it...they say, "whatever" and move on to the next amusement they can find.  But me, I've always been sort of heartbroken about it..  My view of the world is that, even at its very best, it's just a consolation prize.  Everything there is to see and touch and do, will never be quite as good as what I can imagine.  Like the wood and dirt and hand-tools, it's just "the best we can do."

So don't ask for my help with home-improvement projects until we have real functional lightsabers.  Anything less would just be half-assing it.

Back in the early '90s, Saturday Night Live (which was the high-water mark for the show) had a segment called "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey."   This was my favorite quote from him:

 "It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."

It's easy to fantasize about being a woman.  But actually becoming one?  Hell no.